Dissection of a Crush
by Lucinda
Summary: Willow and Anya have a talk about feelings and crushes.  set season 4.


Dissection of a Crush  
  
Author: Lucinda  
rating: PG  
main characters: Willow, Anya (QPC 12)  
contains mention of Willow/Oz, Anya/Xander, Cordelia/Xander, and the W/X Kiss from Lover's Walk.  
disclaimer: I do not own anyone from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
distribution: WLS, NHA, Bite Me please? Quickie Challenge, anyone else please ask first.  
note: set winter of season 4.  
"Why Xander?" Anya's voice was not terribly loud, but it had her typical directness.  
  
The question came as a surprise to Willow, who had been sitting in the back room of the Magic Box reading her Psychology textbook. For a moment, she blinked, trying to figure out what Anya meant before giving up and asking. "Why Xander what?"  
  
"When I first came to this miserable town, it was because you and Xander kissed. But he was dating someone else, and you were already with your wolf. If you really felt the need to kiss someone else, why Xander?" Anya's voice had an intensity, and it was clear that she wanted to understand, to know if she had to worry about Willow making a move on 'her orgasm partner'.  
  
Willow sighed. "Anya... you were human once, to start out with, right? Do you remember the first guy that you ever had any sort of... well, your first crush? The first guy that you ever found yourself trying to imagine a future with?"  
  
Anya looked thoughtful, and nodded. "Actually, yes. But he was married to this other woman, and I used to wish that she would die horribly, and then I could make everything better for him... What does that have to do with it?"  
  
"My first crush was Xander. I've known him since we were five... and I used to imagine that one day, he'd figure out that I was a girl, and girls and guys weren't the same, and then we'd live happily ever after, and have little kids that we would be good parents for... I had a crush on him for years. But he never noticed my feelings for him." Willow's voice was filled with wistful recollection as she remembered those long ago days of blissful ignorance.  
  
"But he kissed you, doesn't that mean he noticed?" Anya sounded a bit puzzled.  
  
"I think what he noticed was that his old reliable pal Wills wasn't around all the time, because Wills had a boyfriend. Then he thought maybe I did have kissable lips. I heard him say once that I wasn't the kind of girl who's lips he thought about. But it wasn't because he'd figured out about my feelings. He didn't know... I was a pair of lips to him, that happened to be attached to his friend." Willow felt herself get a bit unhappy and frustrated as she remembered that situation.  
  
"Why were you kissing back if he didn't know about your feelings?" Anya sounded curious. Apparently, centuries of vengeance had taught her how to get to the bottom of a story.  
  
"Because the fact that he didn't care like that didn't make my feelings go away. His dating Cordelia didn't make me not have that crush, although I tried. We used to have a 'We Hate Cordelia" club, and then he was smooching her in the library... I wanted so badly not to have that crush anymore. I was actually trying to buy some supplies to do sort of a magical delusting when Spike decided to kidnap me to try to get his Drusilla back. But then he kidnapped me and Xander happened to be there to, and got dragged along, and then he was all grrr and 'you're gonna do a spell' and he threatened to kill Xander if I didn't try his spell. So he left to get the ingredients, because I didn't have all of them and he was really scary, and he would have killed us if I hadn't said I'd do the spell. Then Xander woke up, and we were so certain that we were going to die... He kissed me. He called it a near-death situation exemption. I knew it was wrong, knew the whole thing was wrong... But I'd wanted him to notice me so badly, for so long..." Her voice trailed off, and a tear slid down her cheek.  
  
"I've heard a lot about the nearly dying urges. You didn't do anything more than a kiss, did you?" Anya looked suddenly worried.  
  
"No... that was when Cordelia and Oz found us. Cordelia tried to run away, and got impaled on a metal bar, and Oz wouldn't talk to me for a long time. It upset him to see me kissing Xander." Willow's voice was low, a bit uneven from her efforts not to cry.  
  
"Many men get very possessive of their orgasm partners." Anya's voice held a trace of something like weariness.  
  
Willow found herself blushing. "We weren't... we hadn't... I mean, we weren't then."  
  
Anya's eyes widened a bit. "Oh. What happened after that? I mean, with you?"  
  
Willow sighed, running her finger over the chapter picture on her textbook, tracing over the people. "Cordelia was in the hospital, and Xander wasn't interested in my lips anymore. He didn't have any time to notice what was going on with me. He was certain that it was my fault that the whole thing... the impalement thing, happened. Because Spike had gone to kidnap me, and Xander had been there. If he hadn't been kidnapped as well, he wouldn't have kissed me, and his girlfriend wouldn't have been in the hospital with a hole in her gut."  
  
Willow paused for a moment. "Oz wasn't talking to me either. He'd said that it had hurt too much to see what he'd seen. And Buffy was all caught up in her not so thing with Angel, so she didn't have time to listen. My boyfriend, the first real guy that had ever thought I was pretty and interesting wasn't talking to me, and it was because of Xander, who hadn't wanted more than a pair of lips to kiss, and didn't have the time or inclination to care what his kisses had done to my life. I'd loved him for years, and his ignorance and chasing after every girl in Sunnydale that wasn't me hadn't killed that crush, but that... uncaring non concern did it."  
  
Anya gave a small nod. "I suppose that does make sense. So, that means I'm safe, you won't try to take him away."  
  
Willow gave a small bitter laugh. "I have Oz. I don't need to try to get another guy. Besides, Xander still hasn't figured out that I'm a girl, not really. And that crush has died. Let it rest in pieces as it deserves, considering that all it did was bring years of pain and heartache."  
  
Anya gave a small smile. "Well, I feel a bit better. My resolution for around New Year was to try to deal with my relationship questions."  
  
Neither of them noticed the fact that Oz and Xander were right outside the room, matching looks of surprise on their faces from the overheard conversation. Oz looked calm and collected, with a small, pleased smile curving his lips just a little bit. Xander had a look of stunned shock, now aware of the feelings that Willow had harbored for him for so long, and the depth of hurt that he'd blindly given the girl he'd called his friend.  
  
end Dissection of a Crush. 


End file.
